Corporations are people.
You know this, I know this. We all know this. It is fact.
I won't lie--I was a little confused when I first heard this, because I've always thought that people were people. I had to examine the facts.
First off, what is a corporation? Well, like a person is kept alive by a variety of internal organs and biological processes, businesses are kept running by a variety of different departments that serve different and equally essential functions. Maybe the board of directors is the brain, making important decisions. The executives are the God-given, good looking hair and smile that allow us to get away with those decisions. Maybe HR and PR are the liver, fixing some of the less good decisions that we make. Interns and secretaries are like little red blood cells and nerves, bringing information to everybody else in the corporation/all the other parts of the body.
It's clear that corporations are, in fact, people, and deserve all the rights thereof. Even though the metaphor breaks down pretty quickly, I decided to ignore the holes in the argument. If a person breaks a law, the whole person is convicted. So if a member of a company commits a crime, is the whole company convicted?
Fortunately, this a non-issue. People who are part of corporations are the pure expression of capitalism, which is a perfect system and therefore those who represent the epitome of it are inherently perfect and can do no wrong.
All of this information leads to another very important moral question--when does a corporation become a person?
There is clear medical evidence that a person becomes a person at the moment of conception. When a sperm and an egg join during intercourse or sometime thereafter, (regardless of how sinful the actual act of intercourse is,) it results immediately in a zygote that is considered a human being.
Therefore, since corporations are people, they also begin life at the moment of conception. When an idea merges in the brain with the opportunities that capitalism provides, that embryonic corporation is, indeed, a person, and therefore receives all the rights granted to a person. Logically, this means that every time an idea for a corporation is conceived, unless that idea is carried to term, going through all the stages of corporate development, it has been murdered. Murder is an act explicitly condemned in the Bible (disregard all the murder that God does in the Bible.)
Now, you may think, don't people think of corporations all the time? Aren't some of them bad? The answer is yes. It doesn't matter. People are also conceiving babies all the time, and every bad person was once a zygote, but that doesn't mean that all of them don't deserve to live.
This is really close to me, personally--recently, two of my friends and I conceived an idea for a corporation and we are in the process of gestating it. Obviously, we are a little young to be doing this, and it's a little unorthodox that there are three of us, but we felt there was a hole in our lives that needed to be filled with an adorable little corporation. Since we are young, we thought it wasn't a big deal at first--if it didn't work out well, we could just get rid of it and wait until we were older.
Now I realize how abhorrent that thought was. I know that if I don't bring this corporation to term, even through the difficult times, I will be a murderer and a sinner.
Please join me in my fight to give corporations their right to life.
This article is purely satirical. I don't think corporation embryos exist.
You know this, I know this. We all know this. It is fact.
I won't lie--I was a little confused when I first heard this, because I've always thought that people were people. I had to examine the facts.
First off, what is a corporation? Well, like a person is kept alive by a variety of internal organs and biological processes, businesses are kept running by a variety of different departments that serve different and equally essential functions. Maybe the board of directors is the brain, making important decisions. The executives are the God-given, good looking hair and smile that allow us to get away with those decisions. Maybe HR and PR are the liver, fixing some of the less good decisions that we make. Interns and secretaries are like little red blood cells and nerves, bringing information to everybody else in the corporation/all the other parts of the body.
It's clear that corporations are, in fact, people, and deserve all the rights thereof. Even though the metaphor breaks down pretty quickly, I decided to ignore the holes in the argument. If a person breaks a law, the whole person is convicted. So if a member of a company commits a crime, is the whole company convicted?
Fortunately, this a non-issue. People who are part of corporations are the pure expression of capitalism, which is a perfect system and therefore those who represent the epitome of it are inherently perfect and can do no wrong.
All of this information leads to another very important moral question--when does a corporation become a person?
There is clear medical evidence that a person becomes a person at the moment of conception. When a sperm and an egg join during intercourse or sometime thereafter, (regardless of how sinful the actual act of intercourse is,) it results immediately in a zygote that is considered a human being.
Therefore, since corporations are people, they also begin life at the moment of conception. When an idea merges in the brain with the opportunities that capitalism provides, that embryonic corporation is, indeed, a person, and therefore receives all the rights granted to a person. Logically, this means that every time an idea for a corporation is conceived, unless that idea is carried to term, going through all the stages of corporate development, it has been murdered. Murder is an act explicitly condemned in the Bible (disregard all the murder that God does in the Bible.)
Now, you may think, don't people think of corporations all the time? Aren't some of them bad? The answer is yes. It doesn't matter. People are also conceiving babies all the time, and every bad person was once a zygote, but that doesn't mean that all of them don't deserve to live.
This is really close to me, personally--recently, two of my friends and I conceived an idea for a corporation and we are in the process of gestating it. Obviously, we are a little young to be doing this, and it's a little unorthodox that there are three of us, but we felt there was a hole in our lives that needed to be filled with an adorable little corporation. Since we are young, we thought it wasn't a big deal at first--if it didn't work out well, we could just get rid of it and wait until we were older.
Now I realize how abhorrent that thought was. I know that if I don't bring this corporation to term, even through the difficult times, I will be a murderer and a sinner.
Please join me in my fight to give corporations their right to life.
This article is purely satirical. I don't think corporation embryos exist.
